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9 years

Maybe last night's dream was a sign of a goodbye
That it is finally time to let go
That it is time to move on, properly




So it started when I found his new SNS account. It was recommended to me a few times, I opened it of course. Nothing interesting. The first time it was public then when I opened it again it was set to private. I'm alright with that. I don't intend to do anything, I'm not going to follow him nor will I set my account to private.

But last night I dreamt of him. I can't recall what it was about, as when I woke up I was quite mad that I didn't get a peaceful sleep lol. And to have a dream with him in it, of all things. I've been thinking about him and how to get past this weird feelings for a few days now. I kept telling myself that he's not the one for me, that I'm not on the same level as he is, that he's getting married soon (I have no idea if this is true, I just tell myself this so I could move on lol). I even wished everyone whom I've had a crush on to be well and happy. With their lives, without me in it. I really, really want to forget and move on. It has been 9 years!! To be honest I don't even know what I'm feeling. I feel like it's just curiosity, not re-crush but for some reason I keep thinking about him.

But I thought of something that made me re-think of how I'm trying to move on. I've been focusing this on only my feelings and my future, but I forgot that this person also has them. He's not the one for me, he's not the best for me and therefore I'm not the one for him nor that I'm the best for him. And with that, my mind feels significantly more peaceful.


By the way, last night I took cetrizine a few hours before sleeping and I noticed that on a previous entry I took chlorpheniramine and dreamt of Jung Dongsu. While writing this I looked up 'antihistamine dreams' and guess what? Here it says antihistamines occasionally cause whacked-out dreams. Here it says nightmares or unusual excitement, nervousness, restlessness, or irritability may be more likely to occur in children and that children are more sensitive to the effects of antihistamines. Which means adults can have them too right? So is my new-found confidence and way of getting over someone is based on a stupid side effect of a medicine?? AAAHHHHHH I even cried at the beginning of writing this FFFFUUUUU sign of a goodbye my a$$.


Whatever.

Late night rant

I was awaken in the middle of the night by the intense itch on my arms. I started scratching them, then my calves itch, and then feet. Littles spots of blood started to appear. It's bad but it's hard to stop.


This eczema of mine, is the main reason I avoid being in a relationship. It kills my self-esteem. I have little scars all over my body, and everytime I look at them they remind me of how ugly I am.


I want to stop feeling bad for feeling bad, does that make sense? I know some other peole might have worse illnesses, probably in much more intense pain, born into less fortunate families etc. But I'm not them and I don't know how they feel. This is my pain amd I deserve to feel bad or whatever feelings I have. I'm tired of distracting myself by thinking others have it worse. It's like I'm tricking myself into thinking that my pain is insignificant, and I hate that.


If this eczema doesn't go away, I'm not sure I can look at a potential husband in the eye without thinking that he and his future children deserves better. Obviously I don't know what Allah has planned for me, but isn't it selfish for me to risk passing this illness to my future children? Which will only happen if there's even a guy who would love me, sick, scars and all?


The hardest part of this pain? I kept thinking what if it's my fault? What if this pain happened because my room is not clean enough, I'm not eating healthily enough, I'm weak at resisting foods that will cause me pain later etc.


Sometimes I wish there's a magic potion that I could take that would cure me, which I know is impossible. There are options that I could try but I'm not sure if it's available here yet. Also, I still live off my parents. A lot of efforts in overcoming eczema need a good amount of money and that...had not happen yet. Getting creams and antihistamines has already cost them hundreds, I feel selfish if I were to ask for more.


At this point, I feel so hopeless that I honestly felt stupid for asking Allah to cure me. Clearly not the kind of thinking a servant should have towards his/her Creator.


Allah, I'm not sure I could live my life constantly asking You to cure me till the day I die, so while I'm still having high hopes, would You please cure me? No more itchiness, dry skin, bleeding pretty please?


I love You Allah, I know you have blessed me with so many things. Would you add another blessing which is me getting rid of eczema forever? Hopefully before I fall hard for a guy?


☺️

26 and Kpop crush

Last night I dreamt about a guy. A guy named Jung Dongsu. Yup that guy with the unique voice and a sweet smile in Produce 101 Season 2. I remember we were running, I was kinda chasing after him (playful kind of chase not the saseang fan kind). Then I contemplated about something. I contemplated about whether I should hug him. And I did. It was a backhug btw. I was so happy. And he was too because I saw him smiling. Then I woke up thinking what the hell was that?! I didn’t know that I liked him that much! And why the hell was I hugging some guy, dosa lah gila! But I can’t stop smiling. I was so happy that I hugged a guy in a dream, astaghfirullahalazim T_T. This morning when I was scrolling down my instag I saw that he posted a photo and a video (which he hardly does, he’s not that active on instag). My heart went dokidoki obviously, this is too much of a coincidence..I think this is a sign, notice me Dongsu! HAHAHA alright, alright.

Btw, if you think he’s so-so, have a look at his profile shot. OMG so hot I cried.

I listen to his song named One Piece quite frequently as it’s on my playlist (downloaded from soundcloud *cough cough*). I didn’t bother looking up the lyrics’ translation as I thought there wouldn’t be any on the net (when there’s a song that I like, I’ll look up the lyrics and decide whether I should keep listening or not). Just now I played it on soundcloud again and it turns out they’ve already provided the Korean lyrics which I didn’t notice before. So I copied and pasted it in google trans and the lyrics are quite..typical I guess? Common love song, nothing suggestive I think. Well it’s translated by google, so..oh well.

I have no idea why I dreamt about him. The chlorpheniramine I took before I slept last night must have messed up brain or something. Although as a pharmacist-to-be it’s important for me to clarify that the antihistamine will not cause you to hallucinate or dream about your kpop crush -_- . Like the rest of the guys I liked/had a crush on, be it regular people or celebrity, I’ll move on eventually. It’s not easy being 26 and never been involved in a serious relationship but it’s okay. I value my deen more than my feelings, and I hope I will always do till my last breath. InsyaAllah.

Am I thankful?

I just want to write these so I could remember them when I’m feeling down.

1. Thank you Allah for letting me breathe, eat, drink, smile and sleep.

2. Thank you for giving me the best parents I could ever ask for, who love me, who care for me, whom I want nothing but spend my life making them happy. Please help me Ya Allah.

3. Thank you for letting me be here to pursue my dream in becoming a pharmacist. I’m almost at the end, but getting to the finish line is difficult. I will not give up Ya Allah, I will not let what you’ve blessed me with go down the drain. Please watch over me and ease my path, Ya Allah.

4. Thank you for letting me have all these good food. I know I often overindulge, I will try to be better at disciplining myself.

5. Thank you for letting me have the sweet taste of tarbiah. Please take care of my Naqibahs and akhwats. I love them Ya Allah. Nothing compares to being closer to You, and I’m thankful that their guidance and companions helped me in being a better person. I have no idea if who I am now is better than who I was before, but I hope I am and I’ll improve even more in the future. I do not want to be a selfish servant of you, Allah. I want to be beneficial to my parents, my loved ones and also the ummah. Please guide me, Ya Allah.

6. Thank you for letting amazing people into my life. Acik, my friends and everyone who has helped me in my life. Please reunite us with everyone you redha-ed in Jannah, Ya Allah.

7. To my friends, I’m sorry when I was being selfish, when I was too lazy to care about what you’re up to, when I didn’t reply your messages and so on. Deep down in my heart I’m so thankful that you are in my life. When I look at others who have terrible experience with their once friend, I feel ashamed that I treat you less than what you deserve. My friends, especially Aziemah, Yaya, Naimah, Mira, Maz and Aainaa, thank you for being in my life. Thank you for not walking away despite my mistakes and flaws. I love you, and I pray that we’ll stay in touch as long as we’re alive and we’ll reunite in Jannah.

8. Thank you for making me happy and healthy Ya Allah. Please let me be so for the rest of my life and be even more in Jannah.

9. Thank you for all the good things you have showered me with despite all my sins. Please help me have a better understanding of my deen, who practices what she preaches, who truly act like Rasulullah SAW is her role model. I want to meet him in Jannah, Ya Allah.

10. Ya Allah, please never let me give up on myself. You know me better than I know myself. Please make me strong. Please do not let me think badly of You, Ya Allah. I do not want to live a life where I don’t even know my place as Your servant. I want to love You, I want to feel happy and thankful when I’m doing things to have You look at me, to bless me with Your mercy. And ultimately, I want to meet You in the hereafter, eventhough I know I’m so so full of sins.



♡ N

Dear..

Dear future husband,

Love me dearly,
Talk to me kindly,
Look at me in the eyes when we talk,
Laugh off my mean jokes,
Politely correct me when I’m wrong,
Make sure that I take care of my loved ones,
Treat me with patience when I’m having my mood swings,
Never let me hurt my parents (and yours),
Don’t let our argument makes me cry myself to sleep,
Allow me to have more time doing things that I enjoy rather than spending most of it doing the house chores (lets hire a helper if we can afford it),
Make sure that I treat others with kindness, even when I’m not feeling that great myself,
Have my back when I need you and deserve you to be,
Encourage and join me to be healthy, happy and active,
Lets be one of those awesome people who don’t only care for themselves, but also the ummah,
Never let me forget that we don’t live to fulfill our desires but to strive for Allah’s blessings and mercy.


Dear future husband,

Please don’t take advantage of the trust that I will give to you,
For I will not hesitate to walk away,
And I pray that Allah gives me strength to do so when you go over the line.


Dear future husband,

I hope you will be my first and my last,
And I am your only one,
May Allah showers our lives with happiness, luxury, excitement, tranquility and all things amazing,
And we shall reunite with our loved ones in Jannah,
Along with everyone else whom Allah has given the ultimate reward.

Love,
N.

Kenapa kau bersedih?

Sedih, insecure..perasaan yang tak dapat dipisah dari hati anak muda, termasuk diri aku. Aku sedih sebab aku suka seseorang yang aku rasa terlalu baik untuk aku. He's wayyy out of my league. But then I ask myself, why am I sad over something like this? It's not like I confessed and was rejected. Of course not, I'd rather be buried alive than telling my best friend about someone I like, and we're talking about confessing here. Pffft.

Aku sedih sebab aku rasa teruk. Aku jauh dari Allah. I barely able to take care of myself and my iman, and here I am thinking about a guy who can never be mine. I'm ashamed. Pernah aku bertanya pada murabbiku tentang masalah macam ni (angau and the likes) and their answers hit me; Check iman balik. Kalau kita sibuk mengejar dan medambakan cinta Allah, takkan kita punya waktu untuk berfikir yang sia-sia?

Bukan niatku menyalahkan cinta kerana rendahnya iman diri ini. Tetapi aku tahu yang diriku belum layak untuk menyintai dan dicintai. Terlalu banyak kekurangan diri ini yang mungkin tidak dapat dilihat manusia di luar sana kerana kasihnya Allah yang menutup aibku. Cinta itu fitrah.  Tetapi kalau hidup dibelenggu angan-angan, layakkah aku memberitahu orang yang hidupku untuk mengejar syurga-Nya? Aku malu.

Ampunkan aku Ya Allah. Sungguh hanya cintaMu sahaja yang kekal dan tiada batasnya. Ampunkan aku kerana lalai dan leka.


N,
10/03/15
Raudhah, Yogyakarta

Wahai kawan

Kelakar. Dah screw up pandai nak cakap bila gelak sama2, bila ada masalah tertunduk lah apelah. Dulu bila aku tanya apesal tak setel ko amik mudah, siap buat gurau lg pasal screw up tu. Dah besar lah weh, dahla masalah tu ko yg buat sendiri, tak malu ke nak salahkan orang? Kau nak tahu kenapa aku diam? sebab aku tgh tahan dari cakap padan muka, itulah dulu tak amik berat, bla3. Nak aku ungkit ke? Jangan. Aku tak suka nak sakitkan hati kau. Sebab aku tau aku bukan bagus sangat. Kau tau tak masalah kau ni apa? Tak ambil berat. Ambil mudah. Bila kau dah macam tu kau expect orang lain dengan senang hatinya nak hulur tgn tolong kau ke?


Mungkin salah aku juga. Aku bukan jenis kawan yang membebel, memaksa, mempersoal. Mungkin kau perlu seseorang untuk mengingatkan kau itu semua. Maaf, aku belum cukup selesa sampai ke tahap itu dengan kau. Aku tak mahu kau kecil hati pula.


Ya Allah, peliharalah persahabatan kami ini. Fahamkanlah kami akan perasaan sesama kami. Suburkanlah kasih sayang sesama kami, Hindarilah kami dari menyakiti hati sesama kami. Ya Allah, hindari juga kami dari menyimpan perasaan negatif terhadap sesama kami. Hanya kepada-Mu aku meminta, wahai Allah Tuhanku yang Maha Mengetahui, Maha Mengasihi, Maha Mengasihani.

Yeah...it's a dream alright

So today after performing my Subuh prayer i went back to sleep. I woke up after an hour or so to set my phone's alarm and and i slept again. I dreamt about something both mind-boggling and heart-breaking, it started with how i was late for some family day event. It was held at some island (in the dream i think of it as langkawi) and we're supposed to board a flight there from the shore (no airport or whatev -_-). I was all panicked thinking there wont be flights anymore, then i saw a group of people queueing to board the plane so i join them. Turns out in the group was my aunty and cousins, so i went straight to them, all happy cuz i wouldn't have to be alone on flight and at the island. Ok this is way too long, and it's not even the main thing that happened in the dream.

So when we arrived at the island, i saw some of my uitm friends (the not-so-close ones) all happy and having fun, but my good friends aren't there, so i walked around with my cousins. While we were walking, i saw him - The Crush. Yeah that crush i can't get over even after 3 DAMN YEARS. Talk about pathetic. We met each other's eye and i guess we talked? The next thing i know i was sitting beside him inside the flight back to mainland. We talked, we laughed, i asked him questions and he was all 'gedik' taknak jawab or something..i was happy that i finally be able to have a conversation with him. And then the dream ends and I woke up feeling miserable. 


Why? Why him? i felt especially sad because i was soo happy when i was talking to him in the dream. I read somewhere that we control some things that happen in our dream. i have a feeling it's true. Because in the dream, i remembered trying to decide whether to talk to him or not during the flight. And i did. If it was real life, yeah maybe i would have done the same, minus the flirting.


You know what, i don't care. This feelings, it will go away eventually, InsyaAllah. What i really learn from this dream is that, avoid making wrong decisions. One small dosa might lead to another dosa and perhaps even a big dosa, nauzubillah. Choose wisely, you can't go back in time to correct your mistakes, all you can is put up with the consequences, and of course, taubat. Allah is always listening, even when we are forgetting Him :,)

An update

So as it turns out i've declined the offer to uni padjajaran and accepted uni gadjah mada's offer. So yeah, in 10 days i'll be flying to indonesia to pursue degree in pharmacy. It's going to be the first time i'll be that faraway from my family, and i sincerely hope everything is going to be fine, InsyaAllah. Compared to my other coursemates, i'm soo freakin lucky to be able to continue doing degree in this field. I mean come on, some of them have better cgpa than me but due to factors like money restrictions they have to continue studying some other courses. Not that it's a bad thing but i know some of them must be devastated that they have to leave pharmacy after 3 years of studying and even underwent laborious practical training.

There are already so many pharmacists in Malaysia so I was told to to be 'different' in a good way i.e. get really good grades, be active in co-curricular activities and so on...you know, all the things i suck at =p.


Ya Allah, please let me be an excellent student, a good friend, a kind stranger, a respectful young woman and of course, a great daughter. Also a slave who remembers you in the time of happiness and sorrow. Amin.

Good news!

I got it! I passed the entrance exam and i got the offer to enroll into Universitas Padjadjaran to study bachelor in pharmacy! *happy dance happy dance* Alhamdulillah, God has given me more than I deserve :') 

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